snapdragon after

they said I had 90% bruising
and that I would be ok
after about three months
I rejoined the circus
after only a fortnight
and re-wrote my part
removing all the physical stuff
and focussed on acting
and music

I was struggling to understand
just what had happened
things were just not right
they did not seem real
everyone carried on
just like before
apparently unaware
of the presence of death
like two great dark wings
the dragon hovered silent
and I felt my body falling
but strangely never landing
from time to time on stage
even while delivering lines
I would suddenly see myself
from behind my right shoulder
and became increasingly confused
about whether I had survived
my body certainly didn’t belong
so I wasn’t sure where I was
even while taking
the audience’s applause

in zazen I found a way
the only thing that worked
holding awareness on the body
allowing chaotic feelings
and trying not to flinch

today is an anniversary
twenty eight years
since I was brought back
twenty eight years
of trying to work out why
there has to be some reason
for such a miracle
it can’t just be
punishment can it?
the daily pain and exhaustion
has been such a burden
but it has propelled me
on the Buddhist path

I remember asking the fates
if they would accept me
as an initiate
to take the wisdom road
so I have to take responsibility
and accept reality
just the way it is

at least one thing’s for sure
and that is a matter of attitude
if I’m asking ‘what love do I get?’
then the suffering is terrible
if I’m asking ‘what love do I give?’
then everywhere seems filled
with ordinary magic

Phil