endarkenment

my endarkenment was total
an absence of light
and also of matter
both internal and external

bodiless

I hung suspended
in an infinite abyss

decades later
the dread of it
still clings about me
but that experience
was actually a defence
the brainstem functioning
to protect me
from the savage reality
of the impact of the fall

just like a nightmare
recalled in the daytime
it can still give a jolt
but it can be known
as a strangeness
an illusion
unreal
something from the beyond

so when my nervous system
goes into the old trauma
and everything is demanding
to bolt like a horse
again and again
I must reassure myself
that it’s all a false alarm
that really there is no crisis
that the past really has gone
and in the present
I am safe
that the universe does want me
the proof of which
is that right now

I am here